Few things make people in recovery want to numb out their thoughts and feelings by returning to mind-altering substances as much as guilt and shame. Certainly, other strong emotions like fear and grief can make us want to return to using after even long periods of sobriety, but there’s something particularly insidious about guilt and shame that seems to trigger both a desire for emotional anesthesia and a compulsion to punish ourselves.
Maybe we’re embarrassed by behaviors during using that went against our personal morals. For some of us that might mean sexual promiscuity, for others it was stealing or failing at our personal responsibilities. Sometimes we’re just mildly embarrassed about how we acted in front of others. Sometimes our transgressions were so major, they led to significant consequences such as having a criminal record or losing custody of our children or becoming financially indebted. While we can’t change the past, we must somehow rid ourselves of our guilt and shame before they lead us to relapse. But how do we do that?
Making Amends
“Now we need more action, without which we find that “Faith without works is dead.” Let’s look at Steps Eight and Nine. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves.” The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Third Edition. Page 76
In 12-Step programs, making amends is imperative for freeing ourselves of the burden of guilt and shame. Step nine, or “making amends,” means that we do everything in our power – as long as it won’t cause harm to others – to rectify the wrongs we did while we were using.
The first thing to remember about making amends is that we are not supposed to do it alone. There are too many emotional booby traps involved in the amends process, too many ways an interaction can go off the road (driven either by the recovering addict making the amends or the person on the receiving end). While the process has the potential to offer liberation from guilt and shame, it also runs the risk of becoming a free-for-all of accusations and venting of old resentments, all of which can potentially be too intense for someone in the fragile early stages of recovery.
Working with a sponsor, or someone else in your recovery support system, is necessary for the amends process for many reasons.
• They will guide you through the personal inventory that will identify the harms you’ve committed and who you “owe amends to.”
• They can help you determine when you’re ready to make amends.
• They assist you in reaching an objective, realistic and comprehensive understanding of your role in the situation. As recovering addicts, we’re prone to extremes, saddling ourselves with a villainous role in the conflict – or, alternatively, justifying why we should assume no responsibility at all.
• They can help you work out what exactly you should say while to make amends without creating any additional conflict, and even help you roll-play or rehearse.
Often, making amends can lead to bonds being mended and old hurts forgiven. But that’s not guaranteed. No matter the outcome of your amends, your sponsor will forgive you, support you and stand by your side, helping you stay committed to recovery regardless of how you feel.
After Making Amends
Once you’ve made amends to everyone on your inventory, how do you ensure that you won’t find yourself again running away from feelings of guilt and shame?
Now that you’re not using, you will just need to commit to an upstanding life where you never make any mistakes and never cause anyone any harm.
OK, just kidding.
Seriously, there’s no way for anyone to ensure they don’t make a mistake or say something hurtful. Even people without Substance Use Disorder have not found a way to be perfect. But for those of us trying to stay sober, making mistakes (or more accurately the guilt and shame we ladle onto ourselves because of our mistakes) are too dangerous to leave unaddressed.
The solution is Step 11: “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.”
While some people may be able to ignore their failings and harms to others, someone in recovery could find themselves turning to substances to escape their guilt and shame or the fear that an unowned mistake will be discovered and lead to unpleasant consequences.
Though it may seem surprising to those early in the recovery process, making amends can be rewarding and freeing. And, it gets easier the more you do it. Farther along the recovery journey, most of us value the sense of “being right with ourselves” and liking who we see in the mirror more than any of the temporary discomforts that come from admitting that we are human and made a mistake.
What questions, difficulties and discoveries are coming up for you on your journey? Share them in the comments section. Or contact us so we can bring them up in our newsletter. Chances are, you aren’t the only person with similar issues!