“We realize that the word “dependence” is as distasteful to many psychiatrists and psychologists as it is to alcoholics. Like our professional friends, we, too, are aware that there are right and wrong forms of dependence. We have experienced many of them…But dependence on an AA Group or upon a Higher Power hasn’t produced any baleful results.” – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous; Step 3
Step 3 Requires Dependence
By now, you’re familiar with AA’s 12 Steps and probably know what Step 3: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.”
AA is fairly specific that Step 3 requires dependence on a Higher Power, though it need not be a concept of God defined by a religion or anyone other than the person relying on that Higher Power. In fact, if you spend time enough time in meetings and reading 12-Step literature, you’ll learn that concepts of a “Higher Power” can range from the 12-Step group or program itself to a creative, individualized depiction of a Higher Power that provides the required support and guidance a recovering addict needs to get (and stay) sober.
With so many potential ways of defining a Higher Power, how are we to know if we’re really depending on an appropriate source of power to help us stay sober? Here are some general requirements of a Higher Power:
It must be more powerful than you, the person trying to stay sober.
It must prioritize your recovery above all else.
It cannot be easily destroyed or damaged.
It usually connects you with others in a meaningful and helpful way.
It helps you find guidance when you’re unclear and comfort when you’re hurting.
Mixing Up “Healthy Dependence” with “Unhealthy Dependence”
We probably would have never become addicted in the first place if we weren’t extremely skilled at rationalization and self-deception. As most of us know, we’re very good at finding ways to justify gratifying our desires, regardless of whether they’re healthy or not. Many of us have personal experience with going overboard with something “healthy” (or positive), maybe even something that seems to help us stay sober. If nothing else, most of us have witnessed it happen to friends in the program.
A few examples include:
A diet that is so extreme it jeopardizes our health.
A hobby that (quickly or gradually) assumes more importance in our life than our real priorities. If we’re skipping work or neglecting our families in pursuit of a hobby, even when it doesn’t include an addictive substance, it’s probably no longer healthy.
Anything that we use to escape or change our emotions, instead of acknowledging them and working to address them. Some common culprits are intense physical fitness, sex and romantic relationships.
You’ll notice these are all things that can be healthy - like physical fitness or hobbies that make us happy. The problem occurs if we take them too far or make them too important. This is by no means an exhaustive list of “healthy” things that can become unhealthy when recovering addicts take them to extremes or use them in place of their Higher Power. Some of us have even witnessed recovering addicts with an unhealthy dependence on another in the program or even a therapist. To a person in recovery, this might seem like a “good” thing or at least preferable to turning to chemicals. But these types of situations probably are, in fact, “relationship addictions.”
How Do We Know If It’s Healthy?
This is a complex question, and - like the question “am I an alcoholic?” - it can really only be answered by the individual in question when they’re being unflinchingly honest. In general, the rule to live by is to run it by your sponsor, therapist or trusted friends in the program and ask for their perspective. While we can be very good at believing our own rationalizations, others who know us and the 12-Step program, are not usually as easily taken in.
Other people can often help us see things more clearly and be more honest with ourselves.