It’s not uncommon for people just beginning recovery to believe they’re signing up for a life of boredom, of protective restrictions.
“I’ll have to turn down every wedding invitation for the rest of my life,” some newcomers think.
“Well, no cruises or beach vacations for me. Or even parties, for that matter,” another predicts.
For some newly sober people, the idea of sex without substances is almost as appalling as the only other “logical” alternative: No sex. Ever again.
Recovery Expands Possibilities, Not Reduces Them
The good news is that all of the above examples – plus many more too numerous to list – are just myths. They’re examples of the kind of unrealistic, all-or-nothing type thinking that characterizes most people with Substance Use Disorder. After all, if we were sensible thinkers, skillful at moderation, we wouldn’t become addicted to begin with!
If you share some of these fears, these prejudices about recovery, with people with long-term recovery or addiction treatment professionals, they’ll reassure you that your expectations - that recovery is boring - are unfounded (after they stop chuckling).
The truth is quite the opposite: Once you’re freed from the compulsion to use, you’re free in virtually every other way. Some people in recovery travel the world. Others take on new careers. Most do not turn down invitations to parties or weddings simply because of their former substance use. Sexual activity is the personal choice of the people involved – as it should be.
The Two Things You Need
If complete freedom sounds too good to be true, it’s not. But it is not effortless. Like all good things, a life of possibilities requires work. First and foremost, it requires recovery work.
While there’s no shortcut for recovery, here are two quick litmus tests for the new and exciting things you might be considering now that you’re sober.
1. Appropriate motive. Examine your motivations. When you’re in recovery, you can go anywhere and do anything – provided you have good-hearted motivation, and you’re honest (with yourself, at the very least) about what that motivation is. Are you going to a wedding to share the joy of a loved one? Or because you might feel “obligated” to do the champagne toast and not have to be responsible for a slip? Are you taking an international trip because it’s a place you’ve dreamed of visiting? Or because you’ll be far away from people who know you and nobody will know if you use? Are you going to a dance club because you love to dance?
Beware the secret motivations in the shadowy corners of our own brains, usually hiding behind legitimate, believable soundbites. Ultimately, you’re the only one who knows what is driving you deep down, but it can be helpful to run our ideas – particularly ones that could have major impacts on our sobriety – past a sponsor, trusted friend or counselor.
2. A connection to recovery. Yes, you have freedom: the way a kite has the freedom to soar in the wind. No matter how long a string you want, it needs to be tethered to something on the ground or risk being forever lost to the wind.
Wherever you’re going and whatever you’re doing, stay connected to your program – if you want to preserve both your freedom and your recovery. There are 12-step meetings all over the world. Thanks to the Covid pandemic, there are still countless virtual meetings. Texts, emails, phone calls…These days, it’s pretty rare to be completely “disconnected” so stay in touch with your support network. And, if you really are in a dark spot of connectivity, bring your recovery literature.
The freedom to go (almost) anywhere and do (virtually) anything that comes with recovery is not a “Hall Pass” to hang out at a flophouse or go to a bar for hours every night (even if you’re drinking a Diet Coke). These kinds of settings and behaviors are threatening to recovery – even for people with solid, long-term clean time. Equally important, there’s rarely any good motivation for being there. And anyway, now that you’re clean, you’ve got a whole world open to you.