Seeing Gray, De-Catastrophyzing and Other Ways to Change Distorted Thinking
Recovery Tools from Asana Recovery, April 4, 2023
Cognitive Distortions
You have probably heard it said in 12-step meetings that we, alcoholics and addicts, are prone to “all-or-nothing” thinking, seeing things only in “black and white.”
So, when things are great, we believe they will always be fabulous (and usually don’t do any of the work to prepare for a decline in our good fortune or even take risks, believing we are invincible.
Alternatively - and probably more frequently - we encounter a setback and our thinking veers towards extreme statements like: “I’m doomed to fail” or “things will never get any better.” Or, perhaps we recognize we made a mistake and use it to make a blanket judgment about our overall morality (“I’m such a terrible person”) or our value (“I’m worthless.”)?
According to PositivePsychology.com, cognitive distortions are tendencies or patterns of thinking or believing that are false or inaccurate and have the potential to cause psychological damage.
Making Room for Shades of Gray
If we want to stay sober - and more emotionally level - it can be helpful to move away from “black and white thinking” and make room for shades of gray. Often, a simple change in the words we use when talking to ourselves can make a big difference. What this means is, when we catch our thoughts saying something extreme (and usually emotionally harmful), we take a more level, objective view and re-phrase it. Try to be factual and without judgement, like a scientist. Here are some examples:
“I hurt my kids and my family when I was drinking. I’m such a terrible dad.” Instead: “My behavior caused a lot of harm when I was drinking. I have the disease of addiction, and if I stay sober, I can work on being a better dad.”
“My car broke down. I have the worst luck of anyone I know.” Instead: “My car broke down and it makes me so upset even though I know bad things happen to everyone.”
“I didn’t get the job I applied for. I’m doing all the ‘right things’ for recovery, but I just can’t succeed.” Instead: “I didn’t get the job I applied for, and I don’t know why. I did the footwork, but the decision was out of my control.”
Cognitive Distortions Usually Lead to Dead Ends
Of particular significance to people in recovery, cognitive distortions can lead to self-destructive decision-making, including relapse. Because, if you “play the tape through” to the end of this type of thinking, it only leads to more negative thinking. At best.
You can probably use the above examples and your own thinking to imagine how those cognitive distortions could play out if we don’t address them:
“I hurt my kids and my family when I was drinking. I’m such a terrible dad. There’s no way I can ever fix things. I might as well keep drinking.”
“My car broke down. I have the worst luck of anyone I know.”
“I didn’t get the job I applied for. I’m doing all the ‘right things’ for recovery, but I just can’t succeed. What’s the point in doing all this hard work if I can’t get ahead and it’s never going to pay off?”
De-Catastrophizing
This might be an unfamiliar word. In fact, it might even be made up. But you’ll surely recognize this type of distorted thinking. It goes like this:
“My car broke down. Now, I won’t be able to get to work. I’ll probably lose my job. If I lose my job, I won’t be able to pay rent, and I’ll end up homeless. And I won’t even be able to live in my car!”
It doesn’t take much imagination, to see where this line of thinking will lead, right?
So, instead of following the catastrophic path of this situation, let’s de-catastrophize and follow a solution-minded path. Some examples of less distorted thinking could look like:
“My car broke down. That sucks so bad! I’m going to let myself cry (or scream) for five minutes, then I’m going to make a list of possible solutions. I might be able to carpool with my co-worker or have my shift changed to match the bus schedule. Or, so-and-so was going to get a new car. Maybe I could borrow their old one for a few months…”
“I’m so full of fear right now, all I can see is the worst-case scenario. God, please remove my fear and direct my thinking to who you would have me be.”
“My frustration and sadness are making my thinking distorted right now. I feel awful, but I know the feelings will pass. If I can’t find a solution to this problem on my own, I will pray for guidance or ask my most trusted friend for advice.”
Or even, if you follow through with the worst-case scenario, you might find that things can still be ok. “My car broke down. I might lose my job and become homeless. But, if I’d rather be sober and homeless - so I can still apply for another job and stay connected to my support network - than be drunk and all alone and have no chance of getting hired.”
Real Solutions. Not Distorted “Solutions”
Another pitfall of allowing our cognitive distortions free rein with our thinking is that they block us from improving ourselves or our circumstances. Even if they don’t lead us to relapse or other self-destructive actions, they keep our brains busy - but not in a helpful way! Sometimes distorted thinking creates problems where there really aren’t any.
Other times, we have legitimate but solvable problems. But, obviously, any course of action directed by distorted thinking won’t solve the real problem. We can find solutions if we can kick out the distorted thinking and use our brains in a positive, problem-solving way!