Yes, holidays like Passover, Easter, Ramadan (and other big special occasions like weddings and family parties) can be a time of fun activities, joyful celebrations and meaningful social connection. But they can also be a time of heightened stress – and emotional and situational triggers for recovering addicts.
Still, the fact that holidays can be challenging does not automatically mean they need to be miserable. Nor does it mean that you need to universally avoid them. While it’s sometimes necessary to opt out of situations that seem too risky for peole in early recovery or are feeling fragile for one reason or another, it’s not always necessary. With the help of your sponsor, recovery network or another supportive person, you can decide if you can or should join in a particular social gathering.
If you decide to participate in a holiday get-together, here are some tips that might help, both for staying sober and for (Surprise!) Enjoying yourself. (Yes, it IS possible to have a smashing good time at a party - without getting smashed.
Identify the Cause of Discomfort
When we’re feeling intense emotions, particularly fear, it can help to identify the cause. In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) the rule is “name it to tame it.” Often, overwhelming emotions take on monstrous proportions inside our heads, but when we dig through them for the source, it turns out to be something small, maybe even trivial.
Like the “monster under the bed” when we were children, it helps to shine a light on what we’re so afraid of. Before and during holiday get-togethers, take time to scan your emotional landscape frequently. Are you feeling grief for not being able to partake in an addictive substance? (That feeling’s name is probably “loss.”) Are you insecure about how to handle certain situations without substances? Many of us have spent so many years under the influence, that we don’t even know what a “sober holiday” looks like. It may help to remind yourself that even “normies” can feel overwhelmed in large social groups. (That feeling’s name is probably “fear”.)
Once you identify what you’re feeling and what’s causing it, the intensity of the emotions may simply subside on their own. If not, you now know what you’re dealing with and can find ways to address it.
Enlist Support
Keep close to your support network. Whether it’s a therapist, support group or encouraging relatives, stay connected to people who help you stay clean. Lean on people who have time in recovery: they’ll reassure you that it is possible to have fun while sober and provide living proof that long-term sobriety is possible.
To bolster yourself for a big event, call or text your sponsor before and/or during the event. Or bring a sobriety buddy as your “date” to the alcohol-centric social events that can be treacherous to those in recovery. If you’re hosting the event, invite as many sober friends as you can! Chances are they will appreciate the sober celebration too!
Tricks and Tips
There is no quick trick to staying sober – it is undeniably hard work. However, here are tips that can make it a little easier.
Have your own transportation. Don’t ever let yourself be stuck in a situation where you feel your sobriety is in jeopardy. You should always have the option to leave if you’re overwhelmed.
Always have a drink in your hand (non-alcoholic, obviously!). It’s emotionally comforting to have a drink you like. And physically, it gives you something to do with your hands. Plus, it’s unlikely anyone will offer you a drink if you’re already holding one, saving you from the awkward temptation of having alcohol freely offered to you.
It’s ok to stay away. Many people in recovery, particularly early recovery, find it necessary to avoid certain people or places in order to preserve their hard-won sobriety. If you feel you can’t handle a situation (or hang out with certain people) without using, stay away. Social obligations or worrying about hurting someone’s feelings have less value than guarding your hard-won sobriety.
Reward yourself. Find ways to reward yourself that don’t threaten your sobriety. Maybe it’s indulging in dessert instead of champagne. Maybe it’s splurging on the shoes you’ve been eyeing. Obviously, moderation is important – but so is enjoying and celebrating the sober life you’ve earned!
Relish the good moments. Often, we fixate on negative things. Alternatively, we set high expectations for major events and are disappointed when real life does not live up to them. The worst thing about this is that we miss out on the rewarding moments that make life worthwhile. A belly laugh with a friend. A beautiful Christmas light display. A scrumptious meal…
Take time to celebrate even the smallest accomplishments and savor the simplest pleasures!
This too shall pass. No matter how intense or challenging an experience is, remember that it will pass. These holidays will come again next year. And the year after that. There will be another wedding on the horizon before you can blink, another birthday cookout almost every weekend of the summer. As long as we stay clean, our dedication to our sobriety journey unwavering, we can hope for holiday celebrations for many years to come.