What is Codependency?
Being Self-Aware and Reducing Codependency to Regain Your Identity in Recovery
Codependency refers to a mental, emotional, physical, and/or spiritual reliance on a partner, friend, or family member. The term “codependency” was originally conceived from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, referring to those entwined in a relationship with someone who abuses substances. While this remains true, the term codependency now covers a much broader spectrum of meaning.
Codependency is not a clinical diagnosis or personality disorder on its own. It includes features of attachment style patterns acquired in early childhood and can overlap with other personality disorders, such as dependent personality disorder.
Codependency can take many forms and have varying degrees of intensity. "Foundationally, it’s due to a poor concept of self and poor boundaries, including an inability to have an opinion or say no," says Dr. Mark Mayfield, a licensed professional counselor. Codependency can emerge in a variety of situations, including parent-child, partner-partner, spouse-spouse, and even coworker-boss, according to him.
Signs of codependency might include some, but not necessarily all, of the following:
A sense of “walking on eggshells” to avoid conflict with the other person.
Feeling the need to check in with the other person and/or ask permission to do daily tasks.
Often being the one who apologizes, even if you have done nothing wrong.
Feeling sorry for the other person even when they hurt you.
Regularly trying to change or rescue troubled, addicted, or under-functioning people whose problems go beyond one person's ability to fix them.
Doing anything for the other person, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Putting the other person “on a pedestal” despite the fact that they don’t merit this position.
A need for other people to like you in order to feel good about yourself.
Struggling to find any time for yourself, especially if your free time consistently goes to the other person.
Feeling as if you’ve lost a sense of yourself within the relationship.
While everyone has loved ones and feels responsible for them, it can be problematic when your identity is based on the identity of someone else. Focusing on self-awareness is the first step toward reducing codependent behaviors. You may accomplish this on your own, but Dr. Mayfield emphasizes the necessity of therapy in helping you truly overcome your codependent tendencies.