Changing the Dynamics of Our Relationships
Recovery Tools from Asana Recovery, July 5, 2023
Alcoholism: the Family Disease
For every action, there is an equal (in size) and opposite (in direction) reaction. - Newton’s Third Law of Motion
Alcoholism and addiction do not just affect the person using the substance. Everyone within their immediate orbit is impacted. The behavior and disease of alcoholism are not isolated but trigger a reaction or response in the people around them. Nowhere is this more evident than in the family unit, where multiple people are responding and reacting in different ways to try to cope with their family member’s disease. One person might cower, another might rage, and another might try to control every circumstance or fix the alcoholic.
Yet another person might turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain of living in an alcoholic home. In fact, many alcoholics who come to Asana Recovery began drinking and using drugs to cope with a diseased family and unintentionally carried on the cycle.
To illustrate this with an example: Often the partner of someone with an addiction becomes more controlling, trying to provide the control over alcohol and drugs that their partner seems to lack. In addition (or sometimes instead of) this, they sometimes try to control everything else in the family life: the finances, the social activities, the important decisions. After all, they have learned they are the only one in the partnership whose brain is not frequently addled by substances. Consequently, the partner with alcoholism feels unempowered and unimportant, with their ideas, opinions and contributions frequently ignored. Then, they drink/use to cope with their partner’s nagging or the partner who treats them like a child. Now, they’re drunk again, reinforcing the non-addict partner’s belief that they need to control everything!
And the cycle continues on…
Regardless of who or when or what triggered the cycle of action-reaction (in this case: alcoholism-unhealthy coping reaction), all it takes is one person changing their response to disrupt the chain reaction.
Taking Care of Ourselves, Taking Care of Others
In Al-Anon we learn how to set boundaries, to say yes when we mean yes, and no when we mean no. We no longer give to others out of obligation, control, or fear, but because we want to give. Once we begin to take better care of ourselves, we can begin to give to others in healthier ways. - Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses; Al-Anon Family Groups
When we practice a 12-Step program, we learn that “being of service” to others is essential - not just because of how it helps them but also because it keeps us sober. It is valuable for helping us “get out of our own heads” and be freed from the bondage of character defects like fear, selfishness and resentments. The importance of serving others, as a part of living a spiritual life, cannot be understated.
But something you don’t hear in many 12-Step meetings, except possibly Al-Anon, is that it’s also important to take care of yourself. Making your mental, emotional and physical self-care a priority is usually referred to as “putting recovery ahead of everything else in your life.”
When we prioritize caring for our emotional, physical and mental health needs, we are better able to show up for the people in our lives, whether in our AA group or in our family. Additionally, when we demonstrate self-care in action we let the people around us know that caring for ourselves is not only acceptable but commendable.
Breaking Our Old Patterns
We examine our role in the family disease not to blame ourselves, but rather to deepen our understanding and compassion for those parts of ourselves we want to change. We cannot break our old patterns without such understanding. Rather than continuing to feel responsible for others, we begin to take responsibility for ourselves and our own actions. We did the best we could at the time with the resources we had, but now that we are aware, we can see another way. As we apply the principles of our program to our day-to-day lives, we begin to respond to situations differently than we had in the past. - Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses; Al-Anon Family Groups
Like all spiritual work, our focus is on understanding and changing our own behaviors, patterns and flaws. Yes, of course, other members of our family have done things to hurt us or been “in the wrong!” But our job is to work on ourselves. To the best of our abilility, we should try to avoid blaming, judging or criticizing ourselves. Instead, we focus on a detached understanding of what went wrong and what we want to do differently.
Other family members may or may not choose to work on themselves, but that’s their choice. It’s also irrelevant. We are not trying to improve ourselves in the hopes that others do the same. We are trying to improve ourselves because we want to be better people! And, it helps us stay clean.
Regardless of what anyone else does, it only takes one person changing their behavior to disrupt the chain reaction that’s developed over the years of a family diseased by alcoholism. For better or worse, it throws a wrench in the cogs, and the cycle cannot be completed. Then, we are free to try something different instead.
Questions? Comments? Personal experiences? Tell us in the ‘comments.’