“I’ve learned that I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness except my own. Most importantly, I learned that true happiness is an inside job.”- Grapevine Daily Quote July 24; “Recovery Is a Wonderland,” Brooklyn, NY, July 2010, Emotional Sobriety II
Taking responsibility for our own happiness
For most people with addiction, it felt like the chemicals we were hooked on provided happiness - at least, at some point (before they became the source of our misery). If we happened to recognize that we were responsible for our own happiness, we most likely "handled" that responsibility by using substances to deliver a sense of (artificial) happiness on-demand.
Once we become sober, we recognize that we can't rely on substances to create the feeling of happiness. Like other emotions including fear, resentment and shame, we learn in 12-Step programs, that feeling our emotions - and taking appropriate action, when necessary - is a big part of the recovery work that keeps us sober. The Twelve Steps offer tools to deal with "negative" emotions like resentment and fear. But what do we do about happiness?
No More Chemical "Happiness"
Most of us felt at one point that using our substances made us happy. Even when our addictive use led to the loss of other things that made us happy - such as our health, important relationships or self-confidence - we thought the trade-off was worth it because of how good the chemical(s) made us feel. For some of us, there came a point when even the chemical could no longer deliver that sought-after happiness and then we had nothing left. Others sought help before we reached the point when even our favorite substance failed us.
In either case, once we commit to recovery, we recognize that we can no longer use substances - for happiness or any other reason. On the flip side, we no longer have much the unhappiness that came with our addiction - the physical discomforts of hangovers and withdrawal, the expense, the shame and self-loathing. But where can we find happiness now that chemicals are not an option?
Redefining Happiness
Most people with addiction suffer from distorted thinking, at least in matters relating to addictive substances. We tend towards extremes and expect "happiness" to make us feel giddy, euphoric, immortal or some other grandiose emotion.
Recovery work encourages us to find more equilibrium, avoiding both the exhilarating highs and dismal lows that were part of addiction. In sobriety, we may need to redefine what happiness feels like. It helps to become more tuned-in to subtler emotions and sensations to figure out what happiness feels like now that you're sober. Hint: it rarely feels like a rush or a high. Sometimes happiness means laughter and joy. Sometimes it feels calm and peaceful. Sometimes it may simply be the absence of fear or the relief of no longer being enslaved to addiction.
In early recovery, we may also have to do some exploration to discover what makes us happy. Many of the things we thought made us happy when we were using are unsatisfying or even appalling to us now. If you ask yourself "what makes me happy?" and can't come up with an answer, don't despair. It's ok, and it will change. As long as you're not using, feel free to explore new activities as you get to know your new, sober self.
Here are examples of things that can bring happiness other than a substance:
Showing up for our responsibilities - with or without receiving external appreciation for it.
Experiencing a momentous occasion (such as a birth, death or celebration) without chemicals to numb out or exaggerate the feelings that arise.
Being emotionally available and present for the important people in our lives.
Working hard at something and feeling satisfaction.
Having a goal to work towards. Feeling hopeful.
Enjoying connections with others - being emotionally available, fully present and able to connect in a meaningful way.
A Note of Caution
While happiness is a lovely feeling, it's just one of the many ingredients in the recipe of life. In the course of living, every person will experience a wide range of emotions, including happiness. While many people make happiness a goal, it's not realistic to expect it to be a permanent state. We will have good days and bad, happy moments and sad ones. Just because we aren't feeling happiness at any given time does not mean we have failed or are doing something wrong.
Additionally, if we find our lives consumed by the search for happiness, there's a good chance we're in dangerous territory. If we spend all our time trying to feel happy, we are doing something the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous calls "self-seeking," a character defect that can lead us back to addiction. We're better off spending time being helpful - and enjoying feelings of happiness if they arise in the process. And, like all things that feel good, we should approach happiness with that magical "moderation." Yes, reading a book or watching a movie might make us happy, but we can't have a fulfilling life if we spend all day doing it.
In short, if we change our understanding of happiness, many people in recovery find that happiness is one of the benefits of living sober. Still, happiness is not the goal of being sober. The goal of being sober is...being sober. If happiness comes along with that, it's just the icing on the cake!
Questions? Comments? Personal experiences? Tell us in the ‘comments.’