Pride: The Number One Human Flaw for Thousands of Years (Maybe Forever)
Recovery Tools from Asana Recovery, April 19, 2023
It is not by accident that pride heads the procession. For pride, leading to self-justification, and always spurred by conscious or unconscious fears, is the basic breeder of most human difficulties, the chief block to true progress. - Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous; Step 4
The literature of Alcoholics Anonymous refers frequently to the personal flaws that turn us into alcoholics. It points out that all humans have flaws and uses a variety of terms to describe them. “Character defects,” “misdirected instincts” and “the more glaring personality defects all of us have in varying degrees” are some examples. In the chapter on Step 4 in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, the list of the Seven Deadly Sins is presented as being both a universal and timeless example of the most primal human failings, with “pride” being the first and most harmful on the list.
Why Is Pride So Dangerous to Recovery?
“Pride lures us into making demands upon ourselves or upon others which cannot be met without perverting or misusing our God-given instincts.”
“All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right. Then fear, in turn, generates more character defects.”
- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous; Step 4
Often, we associate the word “pride” with positive things. We think of it as synonymous with “self-confidence.” As children, we longed to hear the adults in our life say “I’m proud of you.” As adults, we want to feel “proud” of our accomplishments.
But, in this context, “pride” is more comparable to “ego.” In Christian terms, if we continue with the example of the Biblical Seven Deadly Sins used by the Twelve and Twelve, “The sin of pride is an excessive preoccupation with self and one’s own importance, achievements, status, or possessions.”
‘OK,’ you might be thinking, ‘that’s not great. But, surely there are worse things than pride. Or things that are more dangerous to my recovery.’ So, why is pride so dangerous for recovering alcoholics and addicts?
To understand the significance of this character defect, it’s helpful to look at what it is not. Pride is not:
humble
teachable
right-sized
You may recognize these words from your 12-step meetings and readings. They are part of the foundation of the program. They’re simultaneously necessary for recovery and what we are working towards by doing all this hard work. Have you heard it said that the only things necessary for recovery are “Honesty, Open-Mindedness, and Willingness (HOW)”?
Pride is the opposite of HOW. For, how can you learn new things if you already know everything? How can you be open-minded to new ideas if you’re sure your ideas are right? How can you turn your will and life over to God if you are already playing God? In addition, if we are to be helpful to others in this program, we need to be “right-sized,” neither better nor worse than any other human being.
Pride Leads to Relationship Conflict
The second reason pride is so harmful to recovery efforts is the collateral damage it causes. And, our personal relationships bear the brunt of this. The Big Book describes how we alcoholics want to direct the show, ordering everything in our lives (including others, with free will and their own agendas) to suit our personal vision. Because most people don’t truly like being bossed around, they rebel.
The Twelve and Twelve expounds even more on this idea:
The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too… When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily… As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it.
If the idea of doing a moral inventory, or a “leveling of our pride,” sounds terrifying - or that your particular character defects are hopeless - you would not be alone. Many - if not all - of us have felt these things at some point in our journey. But, most of us have found tremendous relief. We can lay down the burden of playing God and turn it over to a power stronger than us. We can accept ourselves as humans, with elements both “good” and “bad” and also feel empowered to improve our flaws.
To be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society…. Truly: could there be a more beautiful role for any of us?
More on Step 4
Pride is not the only character flaw you’ll uncover in your 4th step moral inventory. In your inventory, you’ll examine the main human instincts: for sex, relationships and security (financial or emotional) and identify where your instincts have led you astray. If you want to learn more about Step 4, we’ve covered the topic in several Recovery Tools articles: