Surviving Other People's Drinking (and Using)
Recovery Tools from Asana Recovery, April 26, 2023
No man is an island.
-Jon Donne, No Man Is an Island
Most of us did not become alcoholics or addicts all by ourselves - though many of us ended up that way. While genetics and chemical imbalances and an “allergy” to alcohol undoubtedly play some role in disease of addiction, humans are social creatures. We are intimately connected to each other and don’t exist in isolation. And neither do our addictions.
Most alcoholics have experienced some or all of these types of relationship situations that fed into our alcoholism:
were raised in homes where alcoholism and/or drug addiction informed our early understanding of life.
used drugs or drank alcohol as an effort (albeit misguided) to fix or cope with relationship conflicts we didn’t know how to handle.
had some variation of “drinking buddies” - friendships or social/recreational activities that permitted drinking or drug use.
had jobs that encouraged, required or at the very least permitted the use of alcohol or drugs.
When we get sober, we need to address these types of relationship issues. If ignored, they will likely erode our efforts at long-term sobriety.
Changing Playmates
One of the first things we have to do in early recovery is to start evaluating situations and relationships for the risk they pose to our precious, newfound sobriety. Many newcomers are encouraged to “change your playmates,” basically cutting ties with people whose drinking or drugging would sabotage others’ attempts to stay sober.
While we can’t shrug responsibility for our drinking onto other people, removing temptations certainly improves our chances of success. In 12-step programs, we’re asked to scrupulously examine our motivations for activities and relationships. If we don’t have good reasons for risky behaviors (like going to bars or socializing with people in active addiction), we should politely decline.
Additionally, all newcomers are encouraged to build a network of sober friends to help support each other’s recovery efforts. This is such an important part of staying sober that Asana Recovery actually devotes resources to helping alumni stay connected and supported through our Alumni newsletter and social events.
The best part of this is that most people find that friendships founded on recovery are a double win because they:
Help each friend stay sober.
Are more meaningful than friendships that revolve around drinking.
When Cutting Ties Is Not the Best Course
While it’s rarely easy to end a relationship, sometimes the decision to do so can seem clear and obvious. When your choice is between maintaining your hard-won recovery and losing some casual acquaintances, or even valued friendships, it can seem like an easy trade-off.
But not all problems have clear solutions.
For some of us, alcohol and drugs were as much a part of our marriages as family dinners. Some of us used drugs or alcohol to cope with someone else’s heavy substance abuse - which didn’t change while we were in rehab. And, what about members of our families who are actively drinking and using drugs - do we disown them? Do we end marriages and split up families?
Al-Anon is a 12-step program for people who are (or have been) significantly impacted by someone else’s drinking. For a person in recovery whose sobriety or relationship is challenged by the other person’s drinking, Al-Anon is a good place to gain serenity and insight.
In these situations, there’s rarely a universal “right” course of action. Nor is the effective solution for one person the most beneficial one for someone else. As you try to determine the best way to handle relationships with heavy drinkers, there are two guidelines that might be helpful:
Our “best thinking” led us to alcohol and drugs as a solution. So, it’s not likely our own thinking will solve this problem, either. We need to lean on trusted friends and advisors to gain clarity. A therapist, sponsor or church leader might be able to provide insight and support. Often, friends in our treatment programs or 12-step groups have faced similar situations in their own recovery journey and can share experience, strength and hope.
We have to prioritize staying sober over virtually every other consideration. Despite our great intentions in relationships, there is no way we can be a good parent, spouse, child or friend to someone if doing so causes us to relapse into our disease.