Young children don’t understand many things that adults do. And, addiction, a disease that doesn't match the concept of "being sick," is even more confusing. Children don't understand why a loved one can seem perfectly "normal" and healthy yet behave so unpredictably sometimes.
How addiction in the family can affect a child
Not all children respond the same way to any circumstance, including a family member's addiction. However here are some common ways children can be affected by living with addiction:
Feeling angry, sad, embarrassed and lonely.
Blaming themselves.
Increased risk of developing behavioral, cognitive and social issues.
Decreased academic performance.
Depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.
Difficulty with emotional regulation and impulse control.
Greater likelihood of trying alcohol and other drugs earlier and developing problematic use faster. Children of parents with Substance Use Disorder are also twice as likely to develop a substance use disorder themselves.
How adults can help reduce harms of addiction to children
Children are more resilient to harmful circumstances than many people realize- provided they have love and support from at least one stable adult.
According to ‘Explaining addiction to a child,’ by the Alcohol and Drug Foundation:
Early childhood and key child developmental stages are critical times when children are at increased risk of poor outcomes. But, these are also times when protective factors can be most influential.
The most important protective factors include:
engagement in community activities (like sports)
having at least one significant caring adult present in the child’s life
positive role models and peer support
regular attendance at a supportive school
the child’s temperament
Good communication is crucial
One of the most valuable things adults can do for children affected by addiction is develop open and honest communication.
Unlike other family challenges - such as other life-altering diseases, financial struggles or changes in life circumstances - "One of the common difficulties faced by children growing up with a family member with a substance dependence is the lack of communication or ‘rule of silence,’" the Alcohol and Drug Foundation states.
This adds to the confusion of an already baffling disease. Children are confused by both the experience of a loved one's drug use and also the lack of acknowledgement or communication about it.
"Being able to talk about their parent’s or family member’s substance dependence openly and honestly can help children find healthier ways to cope," the article says.
Tips for talking with children about addiction
The most important thing to remember when talking to a child about addiction is not to lie. Children impacted by addiction may already have difficulty trusting adults, and lying - even with good intentions - can add to that problem. However, children don't need to know upsetting details or concepts that are too advanced for their understanding. For example, if you’re telling a young child that mommy or daddy is going into a treatment program, don't say they're "taking a trip." Explain that they're going to live in a special place for awhile to get help with the disease that makes them use drugs.
Here are some additional tips from the Alcohol and Drug Foundation:
Before you start the conversation, educate yourself so you can provide accurate information.
Make it age appropriate.
Keep it simple, but honest.
Use terms they’ll understand.
Choose a time when the child is relaxed.
Pick a place where you won’t be interrupted or overheard.
Let them know the parent loves them even if they’re not always able to care for them.
Ask questions and encourage them to talk about what’s happening and how they feel.
Let them know you’re there for them and they can come to you with questions at any time.
Here are some important messages to convey when you’re talking to children about addiction:
You’re not alone – many children have parents or family members who have addictions
It’s not your fault – you’re not the reason your parent/family member drinks or uses drugs
Addiction can cause good people to make bad choices (rather than the parent is a ‘bad’ person)
It’s ok to talk about your feelings, fears and concerns (even if you’ve been told not to), and ask for help.
The ‘7 Cs’ are a good way to help children remember these core messages:
I didn’t cause it.
I can’t cure it.
I can’t control it.
I can care for myself by:
communicating my feelings
making healthy choices and
celebrating myself.
The article offers additional resources for you and the children affected by addiction. Additionally, Al-Anon can help you care for yourself as you support both the child and the family member who is addicted. If they're old enough, the child may benefit from Alateen or other in-person or online support groups.
Addiction hurts everyone in the family. But there are ways adults can help to minimize the harms of the disease on children who are impacted. And it's never too late for families to heal as long as they give themselves love and plenty of time.
Questions? Comments? Personal experiences? Tell us in the ‘comments.’