Making Peace with Yourself

Recovery Tools from Asana Recovery, June 28, 2023

Becoming Right-Sized

Many of us did things during our addiction that we’re ashamed of. Some of us sought to escape our shame through the oblivion of our addiction. Some of us have memories from very early in our life when other people told us we were stupid or worthless, or heard that throughout our lives.

Regardless of when or why we started feeling bad about ourselves, most people who have struggled with addiction also struggle with feelings of guilt, shame and low self-esteem.

Facing down the demons of our addiction is the first step towards gaining some respect for ourselves. But it’s not the only step of what is a lifelong process: becoming “right-sized.”

Becoming “right-sized” is how the “Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous,” describes the spiritual process of recognizing that we are neither better nor worse than any other person. It also describes it as a “leveling of our pride” and gaining humility.

Inventory and Amends

The 12-Step Program has two practical steps to help people in recovery become right-sized: Inventory and Amends.

A moral inventory is an objective examination of ourselves, identifying our “defects” as well as our personality attributes.

Making amends is the process of identifying how we have harmed other people, why we did it and finding an appropriate way to make amends - or atone for - those harms.

Both of these steps should be done with the help of a sponsor. A sponsor can guide us with personal experience from having performed these same steps themselves and provide an objective perspective on our experiences. Sharing with another person also helps remove some of the shame we often feel. Also, the emotions that arise can be overwhelming, so we need emotional support - from our sober network of friends, our 12-step home group and/or a therapist.

Gaining Perspective

It’s important to have a balanced view of ourselves. Many of us talk to ourselves in ways we would never dream of talking to another person. Perhaps we think of ourselves as “horrible,” “useless,” or “failures.” Sometimes we think “I’ll never succeed” or “I ruin everything.”

This is because most of us struggle with distorted thinking. Often referred to as “black-or-white” thinking, this means we see the world as either amazing or terrible. We are either superior or inferior to all others. What we learn in recovery and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, is that things can be both good and bad. Nothing in this world is “all or nothing.”

A 5-Minute Self-Esteem Boost

Often, when negative self-talk becomes overwhelming, it can be useful to do a quick self-esteem boost.

• Take out a piece of paper and set a timer for five minutes.

• List things you like about yourself, things you have done well in your life or things that other people have said they like about you.

• Write down as many things as you can before the timer runs out.

  

When we read through our lists, we can see that we are not terrible people. We are not worthless or stupid. No matter what harms we have done or mistakes we have made, we still have much to offer the world - especially others in recovery.

Questions? Comments? Personal experiences? Tell us in the ‘comments.’